I'm on a 'clean-out' binge. I'm de-cluttering my home in the hopes of selling it early this spring. I spent most of this past weekend making piles to donate, keep or toss (just like on Clean Sweep). I've had the Vietnam Vets Association come to the house 3 times in the last month picking up assorted items including clothing and shoes, books, toys, framed art, bedding crystal items and vases. You know those vases you get when flowers are sent to you? I didn't realize how many I had. And I had some that were saved from when my daughters have received flowers. So I donated some (don't tell, I still kept some).

But the biggest step for me was when I was cleaning the garage. I've had my wedding dress in the box that 'preserved' it, stacked in the garage for years. It used to live in the attic in the house in Dumont, but when we moved it moved with us. Knowing full well that my daughters would never wear this outdated, old-fashioned dress (although what goes around comes around) and knowing that when looking at wedding pictures the girls would be reduced to giggles, I thought I would turn the dress into a christening gown to be used by my future grandchildren. Great idea, right? So it stayed in my garage for the last (almost) six years. Have I taken it to a dressmaker to design the tiny gown? Of course not. And chances are, my kids wouldn't want to use it (or they would feel obligated to use it) or maybe they won't have their kids christened.

So I made the decision to throw it out. My friend, Kathy, was with me. We looked at it, saw how it had yellowed, and I decided to toss it. I cut a piece of lace to keep as a memory, and then put it in a garbage bag.

Does that sound cold? I don't think so. With so many changes going on, it was time to toss out the old and bring in the new. No need to hold onto an item that at the time represented hope, happiness and dreams (something that I looked pretty lovely in I may add). I have the memories from that happy time and will keep them in my heart.

Was it easy to do? Actually, it was much easier than I thought. I felt calm and somewhat relieved getting rid of it. Kathy was there on my wedding day when I wore than beautiful dress; Kathy was there when I discarded it, yellowing and disintegrating.

So on to new hope, new happiness, and new dreams. A wonderful new step in the wonderful journey of life.

My recipe this time is a cookie my mom would make every Christmas. I have added it to my repertoire of Christmas cookies. It's a cookie that has many different names -- Nut Balls, Mexican Wedding Cakes. My mom's name for them? Swedish Balls. She was given the recipe from a friend of hers when we lived outside of Cleveland, Ohio. Maybe the woman was Swedish?? I have no idea, but here is the recipe:

Swedish Balls

Ingredients

1/2 lb. butter (2 sticks)

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1 3/4 cups flour

1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans (your choice)

1 tsp. vanilla

Extra powdered sugar

Cream butter. Add powdered sugar slowly. Add flour, then nuts and vanilla.

Blend thoroughly and chill for at least 2 hours.

Roll into small balls. Bake at 350 degrees for 12 minutes. Remove from cookie sheet and immediately roll in powdered sugar. Let cool on rack .

Tea and Crumpets

Seattle Washington is a wonderful place to visit. It’s definitely a home for foodies, for music lovers, and for people who either love the cultural arts and/or the great outdoors. The scenery alone is enough to make one stop and take a breath.

I’ve been lucky enough to go out to Seattle on four different occasions all because my daughter, Katie and her husband, David, are living out there. David is in the Coast Guard and is stationed there and Katie works in a nearby hospital (no not Seattle Grace) and is a speech therapist there. The weather and temperature have always been consistent -- drizzly, a little damp and cool (around 50 – 55 degrees. This time we had torrential downpours with thunderstorms. But when in Seattle, you keep going regardless of the weather. Life goes on. Now there’s a good lesson.

It was a great visit, a time to reconnect by talking, hugging, laughing, sipping wine and good eats. Sometimes I don't feel like Katie and I have much of a relationship anymore because of the circumstances and happenstances of our lives, so seeing her on her home turf, staying in her apartment is a wonderful revelation for me. It reminds me of the good job I did raising her (and her siblings). When she was away in college, we talked just about every day. Since she moved to Seattle, it's probably twice a week. So being with her, David and Sarah for four days was just great. We even stayed up until 2:30 in the morning playing The Beatles Rock Band video game (I sang). And we finished the game by completing every single song in the software!. Once you start, you don’t stop, you can’t stop -- it’s that addictive!

Our last day there we visited two cultural venues –SAM (which is the Seattle Art Museum) and the Bodies Exhibit. Both were amazingly interesting and the Bodies exhibition was a little surreal. Looking at the bodies and realizing they were once living, breathing people was a bit overwhelming. I found it strange though that there were many children at the exhibit with their parents and not a bit affected by any of the things they saw, including fetuses in different stages of development.

The last two times I’ve gone to Seattle I have gone to a great little crumpet shop, no more than two blocks from Katie and David’s apartment. Now a crumpet for those who don’t know is a kind of English muffin but with more holes. I adore them. They are served many different ways, anything from pesto to cream cheese and walnuts to ham and cheese. My personal favorite though is the classic crumpet with maple butter. My goal when I came home was to find a recipe that would be similar to those yummy, warm, buttery, mapley crumpets. Well, I made them this morning. It was a much longer process than I thought it would be – because the dough has to rise (twice). But Sarah said they were as good as Seattle’s (not as many nooks, crannies and holes though). Oh, and I made my own maple butter. We have enough for a few breakfasts! I’m so happy.

Crumpet recipe

Ingredients:

1 lb (4 cups) plain flour

1 tsp salt

1 tsp sugar

1 pint (2 cups) warm milk

1 heaped teaspoon dried yeast

2 tsp warm water

1/4 tsp bicarbonate of soda

Sift the flour into a bowl and add the salt.

Heat the milk until tepid then dissolve the sugar in half of it, and sprinkle the yeast on top. (Do not make the milk too warm for you will kill the yeast.)

Leave for 10 minutes or until it froths up, then add to the centre of the flour with the rest of the warm milk and beat very well for 5 or 10 minutes.

Cover and leave to rise in a warm place (double in size)

Dissolve the bicarbonate of soda in the warm water and add to the risen dough, then leave, covered, to rise again. Here’s where I made a mistake I think. I should have added some water to thin out the dough to more of a batter consistency. They might have not come out so thick (still tasty though)

3-4 inch plain rings lightly greased. I used my electric griddle by the way, so I had to preheat it and greased it.

Put the rings, if using them on to the hot griddle or pan, and drop tablespoonfuls of the mixture into them or into the pan.

Let it cook until the top is set and full of holes, and the bottom a pale golden color.

Remove the rings, if using, turn the crumpets over and let them dry out for 2 minutes on the other side.

Remove the crumpets, let them cool on a rack. When serving, toast them lightly on both sides and serve with butter on the top side (with the holes). We didn’t have many holes this time, but next time I’ll do better.

Makes about 12.

Maple Butter

1/2 cup butter softened

1/4 cup maple syrup (the real stuff)

Mix with an electric mixer until the butter incorporates the maple syrup. That's it!

Anyone have an extra shredder?

I've been shredding papers. It's a task that can be done during quiet moments; a seemingly mindless task that goes on and on and on. I can't believe how much paper I have accumulated. I'm shredding bills from 1999 and duplicate checks from that year and earlier.

I have bank statements, credit card statements, utility bills, tax bills, papers with notes on them, papers with scribbled numbers even doodles stored in shoeboxes (of which I have many) and then more papers organized in a plastic storage file in separate, labeled manila folders. That looks pretty impressive.

Shredding paper is like shedding your skin. In my case it's layer upon layer of history (marital and single). I look at some of the credit card statements and can relive certain times in my marriage that were happy (a trip to Hawaii, beautiful necklace for Christmas) and then others that show the decline of a relationship (unknown phone numbers, bimonthly charges for airline tickets to the west coast, ticket for driving down a one way street in Italy -- ticket mailed to my home as that was still the address of record).

I have burned out two shredders in the past 4 years, and I just jammed my third one by being overly zealous and accidentally pushing about 12 papers into the crisscross blades. At the last moment I realized that 12 were about 4 papers too much and tried to stop by yanking them out but it didn't work. They are still stuck in there -- half in/half out.

I'm getting rid of a lot of physical reminders of my old life, but the good memories, important recollections of my past will remain in my heart forever. I may be shedding my former skin as I shred, but the real me, the person I am on the inside remains the same.

Shredding paper inspired me to shred chicken -- so I made Chicken Enchiladas, using Rachael Ray's recipe.

Ingredients:

8 tortillas

3 cups chicken broth

1 bay leaf, fresh or dried

2 sprigs fresh oregano

1 onion, quartered

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

2 cups tomato sauce

2 tsp. hot cayenne pepper sauce

1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

2 tsp. chili powder, divided

2 tbsp. tomato paste

1 tsp ground cumin

salt & pepper

2 1/2 cups monterey jack shredded cheese

1/4 cup cilantro, roughly chopped (optional)

Chicken broth, bay leaf, oregano and onion all in a skillet and bring to boil. Add chicken breasts to poach for 10 minutes. Remove the cooked chicken and let cool. Reserve broth for later.

While the chicken is cooking, make enchilada sauce. In pan, combine tomato sauce, hot sauce, cinnamon and one tsp. chili powder. Bring to simmer and then reduce heat to low, keeping sauce warm until ready to use.

Shred chicken and add 1/2 cup broth, tomato paste, one tsp chili powder, and cumin, salt and pepper to taste. Warm tortillas in microwave, wrapped in a damp towel.

Put broiler on.

Pour some sauce (about 1/4 cup) on the bottom of a casserole dish. Divide chicken mixture equally between the warm tortillas by and rolling into a tube. Place seam side down on top of sauce. Pour remaining tomato sauce over them and top with cheese.

Place in broiler and broil 5 minutes to melt cheese and set enchiladas. Sprinkle with cilantro if desired and serve.

Enjoy!

Joy

I thought I was going to write and share my cooking experiences and/or recipes. Well, I didn't cook much this week so I'm just going to share my week.

The book club I belong to had a meeting on Thursday night. I almost skipped it because in all honesty I hadn't read the book. But a friend (another member of the group) convinced me to go and even purchased the book so I could read some of it before the meeting. The book? My Life in France, by Julia Child. The recent movie Julie and Julia was based on this book as well as the blog that Julie Powell began as a result of a decision she made to cook every recipe in Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

The hostess of our meeting opted to have it at a wonderful french restaurant, where we leisurely discussed the book and of course many other topics, while we dined. We toasted to many things, one being joy. What a simple concept -- joy. It can be anything from a burst of happiness that makes you laugh out loud to a tiny flicker of something that brings a smile to your face. One thing about our group is that we come together simply to share ourselves. Each meeting we learn more and more about each other. This time, I learned something from Julia Child -- never apologize and never make excuses. I tend to apologize too much -- I'm one of those who says sorry to a wall when I bump into it. I'm working on only apologizing when it's necessary. As to never making excuses -- we shouldn't have to make excuses for truth.

Our dinner was also very relaxed. We took our time and savored the food, the wine and the conversation. I felt wonderful when I went home. Another lesson to practice -- take your time and enjoy yourself.

Today I went to a bridal shower of a friend of my daughter. I realized at this shower, that I'm lucky. Even though my life's circumstances have changed, I am a lucky person. I have my three great kids, my health, people who care about me and people I care about. I've been lucky to plan and attend my daughter's wedding just two short years ago. My daughter's friend's mother was a friend of mine. We had a connection through our children. We worked together on school projects, and were co-leaders for our daughters' girl scout troop for many years. She was ill with cancer and we lost touch. But, when Katie got engaged, she came bridal gown shopping with us along with her daughter (who was in the wedding). I am so glad she did. She realized then, I now see, that she was not going to be around to plan her own daughter's wedding. What joy we shared as we saw Katie trying on different dresses, looking more and more beautiful in each one. She passed almost a year and a half ago and she was missed today.

It was a beautiful shower and my thoughtful daughter Katie, made sure there were little touches to remind us of the special, kind person Phyllis was. A chair that Phyllis would always use for April's birthday was there for her to sit in while she opened her abundance of gifts. Small petit four style cupcakes for dessert (handmade by my daughter, Sarah), chocolate covered strawberries, homemade chocolates, and a sit down luncheon were all in Phyllis' elegant style. She was there in spirit.

Joy comes in different shapes and sizes, in happiness and sadness. It can be magical and mystical. I will appreciate the many joys in my life and keep joy in my heart.

Julia said no excuses and don't apologize. I'm working on that.

I say see the joy in your life and embrace it. I'm working on this too.

First day, October 18, 2009

You already know something about me; I'm not a size four, never have been a size four and never will be a size four. Those were words that were thrown at me at a difficult crossroads of my life. That story is for another time.

Today, I'll just explain a little about what this blog will be about. I love to cook. I didn't know how to cook when I got married, but quickly learned some very interesting recipes while I was living in Missouri. Money was tight, so a popular meal was mac and cheese from a box (hey, 5 boxes for a dollar is a good deal). I worked with some women who were thrilled to introduce me to the joys of cooking and I learned eagerly and quickly.

Through this blog, I hope to share some meals I make and write about things happening in my life or in my head (kind of using this as a diary). I hope through cooking and writing to discover some things about myself, that will help me find my chi, my life energy and balance.

I have lots of cookbooks, and I can spend a few hours of an afternoon going through my many cookbooks, collected through the years looking for the perfect dish, the perfect dessert or appetizer to prepare. I have cookbooks from different places around the world that I have visited. I have cookbooks given to me by my aunt when I first got married way back in 1975 that were dog-eared, torn, marked up with notes of her own, even dotted with spills from her own cooking experiences. Recently I was given my mom's own book of recipes and I found some recipes I remember her making when I was a child.

There have been many changes in my life the past few years, but the one constant has been cooking. It's a passion I've turned to through the years to make myself happy and bring smiles to the faces of others when we share the meal. Some of the major changes have been a divorce (less than a year ago), my mom being diagnosed with alzheimers the same day my dad suffered a fatal stroke. I have three terrific children, all over the age of 25, who are supportive, loving and wonderful! I adore them.

So, this weekend I went to the country with a good girl friend of mine to have a girls' weekend. We made margaritas and watched chick flicks dealing with cheating men, empowered women. You see, my ex husband got remarried today. It's been a tough few years, filled with false hope which my ex filled me with (you know, maybe we can make the marriage work, etc), stress, sadness. I wanted the divorce and am happy to be through with him - moving forward moving on. But today has been filled with many different emotions -- again, I feel sad, mad, angry, upset, happy to be free.

After the margaritas, I made paninis for dinner. I decided to have an early Thanksgiving to help me appreciate all the goodness I have around me and within me. Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and gravy all on french bread. I couldn't find rosemary focaccia, which would have been my first choice, but it worked out fine. It was delicious! Paninis are pretty straightforward, so I don't have to write the recipe down. But it was great.

Tonight, I went to dinner with three great friends. We laughed, toasted with wine and talked and talked. I didn't really want to be alone and they didn't leave me alone.

It's after 11 pm est, and I have survived. Good friends helped me through a difficult weekend.

I'm alone now and it's okay. I feel good, not great, but good enough.