First day, October 18, 2009

You already know something about me; I'm not a size four, never have been a size four and never will be a size four. Those were words that were thrown at me at a difficult crossroads of my life. That story is for another time.

Today, I'll just explain a little about what this blog will be about. I love to cook. I didn't know how to cook when I got married, but quickly learned some very interesting recipes while I was living in Missouri. Money was tight, so a popular meal was mac and cheese from a box (hey, 5 boxes for a dollar is a good deal). I worked with some women who were thrilled to introduce me to the joys of cooking and I learned eagerly and quickly.

Through this blog, I hope to share some meals I make and write about things happening in my life or in my head (kind of using this as a diary). I hope through cooking and writing to discover some things about myself, that will help me find my chi, my life energy and balance.

I have lots of cookbooks, and I can spend a few hours of an afternoon going through my many cookbooks, collected through the years looking for the perfect dish, the perfect dessert or appetizer to prepare. I have cookbooks from different places around the world that I have visited. I have cookbooks given to me by my aunt when I first got married way back in 1975 that were dog-eared, torn, marked up with notes of her own, even dotted with spills from her own cooking experiences. Recently I was given my mom's own book of recipes and I found some recipes I remember her making when I was a child.

There have been many changes in my life the past few years, but the one constant has been cooking. It's a passion I've turned to through the years to make myself happy and bring smiles to the faces of others when we share the meal. Some of the major changes have been a divorce (less than a year ago), my mom being diagnosed with alzheimers the same day my dad suffered a fatal stroke. I have three terrific children, all over the age of 25, who are supportive, loving and wonderful! I adore them.

So, this weekend I went to the country with a good girl friend of mine to have a girls' weekend. We made margaritas and watched chick flicks dealing with cheating men, empowered women. You see, my ex husband got remarried today. It's been a tough few years, filled with false hope which my ex filled me with (you know, maybe we can make the marriage work, etc), stress, sadness. I wanted the divorce and am happy to be through with him - moving forward moving on. But today has been filled with many different emotions -- again, I feel sad, mad, angry, upset, happy to be free.

After the margaritas, I made paninis for dinner. I decided to have an early Thanksgiving to help me appreciate all the goodness I have around me and within me. Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and gravy all on french bread. I couldn't find rosemary focaccia, which would have been my first choice, but it worked out fine. It was delicious! Paninis are pretty straightforward, so I don't have to write the recipe down. But it was great.

Tonight, I went to dinner with three great friends. We laughed, toasted with wine and talked and talked. I didn't really want to be alone and they didn't leave me alone.

It's after 11 pm est, and I have survived. Good friends helped me through a difficult weekend.

I'm alone now and it's okay. I feel good, not great, but good enough.